If the Shoe Fits

Deleted entry due to huge amount of ugly ranting not fit for this journal.  Not even ugly ranting.  Depressing, wallowing ranting.  guh...

Mail Order Bride or Wicked Witch of the West Side?

Wedding dress with mail and FedEx stamps all over it or ghetto fab myself out and then get a witch hat and broom.

Which should I choose?!

I tried to get to bed early last night so I could get up early today.  It didn't quite happen that way, but my friend texted me at 8:10 this morning so I got up and made a pot of coffee.  A little later I sat out on my patio in the cool morning air drinking, reading the Bible, and praying.  Fast forward a little later and I sat at my computer reading the funniest email from my Mom about how she accidentally said that she would be in a talent show with my Dad.  HAHAHAHA!!!!!  This is where when learning a language really sucks if you are in a country that doesn't speak your native language so you can't clarify. 
After a marvelous morning I headed off to ballet class at my local community college.  I parked three blocks down from the school and walked in (I won't buy the parking pass to not have any parking spaces) with the sun shining on my head and my feet light.
Class was hardcore.  I don't get why my legs just shake standing, but there you have it.  I'm out of shape and ballet is strenuous even standing in one spot.  Later we did little demi jumps over and over again until I felt like my legs were going to fall off.  He wouldn't turn on the AC (which is more like an air blower) and then proceeded to shut all the doors so there is no circulation at all.  He looked at us smiling all stupidly and in his thick Asian accent said, "You all are hot yes?  Very good...you will lose some weight."  LOL  Reminded me of my old Japanese ballet teacher except he's not being a bastard about it.  It's weird because I see the same traits of my crazy Japanese teacher in him but not quite as insane like my old teacher.  My old teacher pushed us as if we would be professional dancers knowing that most of us never would be that good.  She would scream, hit, lecture you on your weight, and generally be the most manipulative jerk ever.  That's the way she was trained and that is how she trained.  This guy pushes you and will make you feel this [  ] big if you come in late or miss class but seems to sincerely love to teach and want to spread that love to the youth of this area.  My old ballet teacher would have slapped my butt and given me the most evil stare ever if I wasn't tucking it under properly but this guy just comes up behind me now and then and helps me adjust and then keeps walking.  I like this dude.
I googled him and found his story to be quite amazing.  If you feel so inclined, check it out here. 
Well I feel like this entry is not worth crap but I promised myself I would keep writing even if I felt like I didn't have much to say.  So that's just PERFECT for my readers. :)

And for something fun.

I'm sitting here at 10:55PM drinking coffee and trying to gear myself to clean.  I can almost feel my bed calling but that's why I brewed a pot of the good stuff.  I put on Miles Davis into Pandora.com and have been hearing some of the most amazing music.  Songs I haven't heard before and songs that warm my heart with memories I can't recall. 
Tomorrow I'm going to try to start eating healthy and working out.  Oh me oh my....I can't help but laugh at myself.  They say that yo yoing is worse on your body, but gaining weight steadily forever can't be good either.
I lit a strip of candles in my fireplace today and boiled a pot of tea for the first time in months.  I very well know it is summer time, but the weather god weird and overcast looking and I couldn't help myself.  I want it to be winter so badly I can almost feel the sweaters to come embracing my body.  Summer is too bright for my eyes.  I like it dark and cloudy.  The light in my condo these past couple of days have been amazing!  Have you ever noticed how the colors of the earth brighten under the backdrop of an overcast day?  Ah winter...
I went to a wedding last night that was so...serenely simple.  It gave me a good example on what a wedding on a budget with a lot of help can look like.  And by saying that, I don't mean to say that it looked cheap or anything but the simplicity of it was amazing.  I go back and forth between wanting a big shindig and wanting something simple.  I think it will depend a lot on how much money I will have at the time.  Still not sold on spending tens of thousands of dollars on one day but I do want to have a good and memorable time for myself, family, and friends.  And dancing!  I love dancing at weddings!  <--- knows that's where a huge amount of money goes to when having to rent a DJ, dance floors, etc.  :)
Not holding my breath on the wedding thing anyway.  Going to them always gets me thinking.

Hello!!

I haven't been on in so long I feel like I have to introduce myself or something.  My name is Meg.  I'm a 25 year old female that just cut my thumb washing a champagne glass that I didn't realize had a chip on the edge.  I'm listening to American Boy by Estelle and drinking a Diet Coke which I have to give up on Sunday because I'm starting a weight loss competition with my coworker.  I have a cat named Rafe, a fish named Snack, and I live by myself while hoping to some day get into the nursing program at a local college in EFFING HOT Fresno, CA.  :)

I started a ballet class at City College and with just one class I'm already freaking excited and loving it.  We did arm positions to classical piano music and my heart felt like it was flying through the hot gym room to the sky where my dreams sat laughing and smirking at the hard pounding pumps of my organ.  I had a friend in my old ballet school that had this marvelous body for dancing and looked like a feather flitting here and there while dancing.  Her heart wasn't in it and she ended up quitting the one thing that I adored more than anything else in life.  I had the heart and she had the body.  There was a time where this bothered me severely as I tried to find some sort of nitch into the ballet world where I could fit.  The truth is, I can not ever fit into the professional world of dancing but that doesn't mean I can't enjoy the love of my life.  I will always be able to take class and enjoy the vanity of staring at myself in the mirror as my body cuts through the air.  I'm happy that I finally can enjoy it without the regrets of not having "the body".
So after sewing my new flat ballet shoes, I'm ready for class again on Monday.  I'm ready for class right now if it was available.  That's the downside of doing something you're passionate about.  It gets quite addicting.

Old School Photo

Worked over time the last pay period and went crazy spending even though I MEANT for that money to go towards paying off the $900 my car racked up for me a couple of months ago. 

What is wrong with me?!  My whole freaking adult life I've had problems with spending.  My parents always blamed it on themselves for not teaching me properly growing up but I know it has nothing to do with them and all to do with the fact that I'm not thrifty and I buy shit when I don't have the money because....why?  I don't know.  Because I feel like I can't go without it?  Sometimes.  Because I'm bored and need to get out of the house and there is nothing else to do?  Yeah that too.  Because I'm horrible at managing my money?  Absolutely.  I understand that I'm the only one to blame and that I seriously need help from this, but exactly how do you stop seven years of bad spending habits?  When I was younger, it didn't matter if I was a bad spender cause I didn't have enough bills to get into debt, but now I'm sinking farther into debt and i'm constantly worried about money and yet still go out and buy that shirt because I feel like I need clothes and it's on sale.  That's no excuse if you don't have the money!  And what's worse is I have clothes!  I have enough to get by if I get creative but instead I get some new shirt ignoring the fact that I don't have food in my fridge.  Ignoring the fact that I'm going to be up shit creek if my car breaks down again.  Ignoring the fact that my debit card just got denied so why am I pulling out my credit card?
The eff!?
I need counseling and someone to sit me down and help me make a budget and advice for how to get out of this because obviously I can't do it on my own.  I've been making a budget for YEARS.  A budget I never lived by. 
I used to be able to get away with this kind of spending but it's catching up to me and it's freaking me out.  I don't have parents to move home too if I get into trouble and the fact that I'm "bored shopping" freaks me out too.  As of right now, I have very little money in my checking account (as in I couldn't purchase $50 worth of stuff from Wal-Mart today because my card was denied) and I know I have stuff automatically taken out but don't know the dates when so I'm tripping over that.  I also won't get paid for another week and a half.  I did put $500 on my credit card when I got paid last but burned through what I put in my checking account and so what am I going to do about the automatic payment stuff I have going on?
I've asked my accountant brother to help me in the past but I don't think I spelled out the "i need help" enough for him to really understand that I need help.  And when I say help, I'm not saying that I want him to give me money...hell no.  I just mean to teach me how to manage my money.  But maybe he doesn't know how to do money either personally so he can't really help me unless it has to do with my taxes. 
Maybe I could ask my mentor's husband?  Maybe my church has a money manager person who could help?  Maybe I just need to do it myself?  Maybe I'm too scared to show people how in trouble I am? 
I quite drinking as much but one night of being happy spendy can blow many nights of being thrifty out of the water.  I quit another vice of mine but have instead taken up starbucks....well duh I have to absolutely stop that!  But my coworker gives me a card to buy her and I coffee and I feel like I have to repay by buying some on my card too. 
do do do...i'm sick of my bitching.  time to stop being the typical in debt American and learn to be a upstanding citizen that doesn't owe the country nothing apart from my taxes.  yeah okay...i'll get on that.

Pee smell went away.  Either my nose fixed itself or the fact I took out the trash helped. :-/  That's disgusting if it was my trash!  I didn't think I had anything in there that would smell over a few days of sitting.  I also threw away bad milk out of the fridge.  Does bad milk smell like urine after awhile?

I've been blasting pandora and Adam Corolla podcast all day.  If you want a good mix of hip hop playing on pandora, put in Timbaland.  If you want some good relaxing music, put in Feist.

I feel like I'm writing on Twitter right now.

House is coming together again after rearranging my room for the new bed.  I need to go shopping for a new duvet cover.  Right now it's just a white feather duvet insert without my old silk cover on it.  I miss my silk cover!!  Man I wish it hadn't shredded after having it for 8 years.  I beat on it pretty hard though.  My mom always said to always have a sheet between me and it, but a lot of times it ended up just being me and the silk. 

Went shopping online at Victoria Secret for sale bras and ended up not buying anything because I was afraid they wouldn't fit right and you couldn't return them at the store.  I'm horrible at sending things back.  I'm horrible with mail in general.  Me and mail don't mix. 

Which reminds me I still need to send those thank you cards out to the people who helped me move on May 1st.  Damn I'm late again.

Thoughts -

I'm smelling pee everywhere.  I don't get it.  From the point that I left at 4:15 this afternoon to go to my brother's house and have dinner with the family till I came home at 10:15 to my normal looking abode, the whole house smells like pee.  I can't imagine my cat going crazy and pissing on everything.  I also can't imagine my nose deciding to freak out on me and only smell nonexistent pee.  I also can't imagine myself smelling like pee but I changed into PJs just in case.  I still smell the pee.  What gives?  It's super strong and smells upstairs and downstairs!

I bought a WoodWick candle.  These candles crackle like a fire because of their...wood wicks.  Part of me loves this sound and the other part of me keeps wanting me to look at the candle because I associate the sound to the crackling of a wick that is too long and needs to be trimmed before it smokes up the place.  Hopefully that association will go away. 

I love Feist's music so much it makes me happy to have had a roommate expose me to some seriously cool music.  On the other hand, some of the music I got from her makes me think of her and how fucked up it is that she dropped me as a friend because she has daddy issues or something and can never get too close to someone for too long before she can't handle it anymore.

Where is this pee smell coming from?!  I smell it everywhere in the air!  There is no way my cat could have done this!  It doesn't even smell like cat pee!

I hope the fact that I got a new bed from a previous dog owner didn't freak my cat out and make him spray up the whole place.  It is very unlikely.

I can't wait to sleep in tomorrow morning in my new queen size bed.  I have finally graduated from a twin at 25 years old.  It's about time.  I despised my old bed like you wouldn't believe.  I'm thinking about taking the bed off the steel frame thing though and putting the boxframe and mattress directly on the floor.  I did that once when I didn't have anything but a mattress and really loved the feel of it.  It was just awkward not having a bedside table because you can't really do a bedside table that is higher then your bed. 

How are these for thoughts of the day?

I'm cutting off my nose if I smell pee tomorrow.